Self-talk. That thing that goes on inside of your head that is sort of almost subliminal. It’s the way we talk to ourselves, about ourselves and others. It’s the kind of thinking that can derail us. We can go from a fairly pleasant mood to having a mini-meltdown in just a flash. What’s up with that?
Here’s what typically happens. We have an expectation of ourselves or someone else – and we or they fail us (we’re human after all, none of us are perfect). Then we have a thought, “I’m just not good enough.” “I am such a loser.” “Why don’t they get me? What’s wrong with them?” Now think about it. Are you going to stay with a pleasant mood or go somewhere else entirely if you say that to yourself? Maybe into self-pity, maybe into anger and resentment, maybe a combination of those or a host of other self-derogatory thoughts and emotions.
In this season dealing with the fallout of the pandemic, being in social isolation, I think it might actually be easier to notice, identify and maybe even address this negative perception of ourselves. Yes, emotions are likely heightened, but maybe that will help us to actually see them more clearly. And it’s nice to have someone give you a pep talk - but we typically have difficulty accepting it. It works much better if we can give ourselves a pep talk.
Here’s how we address our thinking, thereby potentially circumventing some negative feedback loops:
· Pay attention – just notice what it is you are thinking about yourself or others. Make the connection between that thought and how you feel as a result of it.
· Don’t judge the thought or the emotion. They just are. You’ve been thinking and feeling this way for a long time. It will take some practice to undo it.
· Reframe or challenge the thought. Typically, we call these affirmations. Sometimes it is simply a shift in our perspective. Gratitude is one of the best to utilize when it concerns others.
· Notice how you feel if the alternative thought is believable. Most likely you won’t feel so overwhelmed or angry.
Here are a couple of examples:
Negative thoughts: “I can’t handle this!” “This is too much!” Emotions: Overwhelmed, frightened. Affirmation: “Life can be challenging. I have persevered through challenges before.” Or, “Challenges like this can lead to new possibilities.”
Negative thoughts: “I can’t believe they didn’t clean up after themselves!!!! Expletive…” Emotions: Anger, resentment, self-pity. Affirmation: “I’m grateful they brought the dishes to the kitchen.” “I’m grateful that I have my family with me.”
Negative thoughts: “I’m too old. It’s too late to recover. I can’t change at this stage.” Emotions: self-pity, fear, disappointment, helplessness.” Affirmation: “It’s never too late to change.” “I can choose to do things differently now.” “I deserve to change.”
Get the picture? Here’s the deal, you are going to potentially always have those negative thoughts flitting through your head. But the beauty is – you don’t have to follow that line of thinking into a major derailment of your day or life. When you notice the negative thought just counter it. Talk back to yourself.
I really appreciate this video from Wellcast on Automatic Thoughts. It’s a great example of how we get so easily off track, but also how we can stay on track in our thinking. I’ve included my version of the chart they describe below too if you find that helpful.
Another coinciding idea is to actually insert your name when you say these things, like talking to a friend, coworker or family member. For instance, “Denise, you can choose to take on that challenge.” “Denise, you are accomplished and capable.” Get the idea? Say it out loud to yourself. I know, we’re all in quarantine. Maybe it takes going to the bathroom and turning up some loud music. But saying out loud makes it much more effective. And coming from yourself, with your own voice has so much more power than if a friend or loved one says it to you.
Your showing up for yourself to counter the negativity with support and compassion is more critical than all the cheerleaders you have in your life. Be your own cheerleader. You owe yourself no less.
